Lost

I pride myself on my organizational skills. My ability to keep things in a certain order. Neat, Tidy, Clean and on time. People often compare this to a touch of OCD. I become anxious and grumpy when things are out of order, out of routine or dirty. I openly admit this.
When I first went back to work...full time...at the start of April it was very stressful. After a month or so I was able to get into a routine. The kids were released from school for the summer making it a bit easier to get out the door. Josh was home with them making it less of a worry about their well being (not his) and I began to enjoy it. The end of August hit. The kids went back to school and Josh went back to work. All very good things. But. The kids are in two different schools, I am still working 6 days a week and Josh is gone 12 hours a day 5 days a week. With his days off being right in the middle of the week. This leaves me to get them up and out the door every morning. Get myself out the door. I need to run any errands that I can on my way into work. Keep up with their homework. What is due and when. School functions, when and where. Lost items, school supplies, due dates of book reports and test days. Getting home in time to get all of this done, feed them, the dogs, the cat, get them showered, stories read and in bed no later than 8:30. In addition to that I need to do some cleaning each night in order to keep up with all the dirt. dust and dog hair. The cat keeps bringing in and killing mice leaving blood smeared on the walls. Keeping up with all the things at work. The events, weddings, paperwork, billing and Dr. G and all of his needs and demands.
In the last week: I have gotten Lauren ready for a Fairy Tale ball a day to early, forgotten to buy the groceries necessary to pack their lunches, a few small promises, and Lauren's homework. She has a birthday party to go to tomorrow that I will rush home from work to get her to on time...but I forgot to get the kid a gift. I will try to remember to get that on my way home. I haven't had the time to plan her own birthday party that she will not get now. I have forgotten to mail the anniversary card that needs to go out.
I was the only mom not at the Fairy Tale ball.
I am going to lose my mind. I would carry a planner to keep track of everything but I would forget to use it.
I need a vacation. But then I would really be behind.

The First day of Fall!!

I don't know what it is about fall. It's not like I am a huge fan of the season. I like that it's finally cooling off a little. I don't like the allergies, Lauren's allergies, the shorter days. I don't even like winter and fall means that winter is upon us. But for some reason the start of fall is so exciting to me that it consumes my thoughts! I know that my biggest problem is that fall means Halloween. I don't know if there is another person on this planet that gets a kick out of decorating for halloween as much as I do. Maybe it's just that there hasn't been any fun holiday since christmas....just the fact that there is something to do. I really have no idea. Maybe it's an illness. I spend all the free time that I have searching the internet and trolling the stores for great ideas. I allow myself one new item each year. I also jump at the chance to bet Josh on anything..with my winnings being a new halloween item. Last year my dad spent an entire weekend making this witch siloette that I saw in a magazine. I had to have her. She is so perfect. I have kept her locked away in the attic for almost a year now. Admittedly I have gone into the attic to "check" on her a few times. I just cannot help myself.

This year I have a set of 3 ghosts for the front yard. That was my "treat". They will be arriving on wednesday. I have checked the tracking on my email notification 3 times today to see if maybe the UPS guy is ahead of schedule. He's not. I also saved my birthday gift cards and used them to replace my tomb stones (texas is not good to foam) for a much heavier resin. I have 2 weeks to go until Josh will officially allow me to start the decorating. It's going to be a very long two weeks.

Hi. My name is Kim. I have a problem.

The way it was....

Do you remember how much time you spent wondering if your kids would ever stop hanging on your leg? Or crawling into your bed in the middle of the night? Maybe even play alone for awhile? Get a friend so that someone else might entertain them for a while? There have been so many days over the last 11 years that I drempt of the day. Longed for some time alone or a full conversation with another adult without one of the kids interupting with such necessities as a drink, a snack or just to be there in the middle of MY conversation. I in turn have spent an equal amount of time feeling quilty for wishing for the future. I know that I will miss all of the interuptions. All of the needs. Being the center of thier universe. The only one who can fix it all.
It seems to me that that time is fast approaching...and I can't help but feel left out!
Hunter is deep into middle school now. They don't send home notes everyday telling me how his day was. There is no homework to sign. They strongly encourage that they take responsibility for all of thier actions. Even the parent teacher confrences are student led. He is doing his homework on his own. And now with a huge mile stone behind me....he is staying home alone after school. I wanted to get home last night and find him in a slight panic...you know ...just enough to know that he needed me there. Instead I find that all of his homework is complete and he fed the dogs. Not only that but he tells me that he has a date. A DATE!!! Mind you it's just the school dance....but WITH A GIRL!
Then there is Lauren who is loving kindergarten. She has made so many new friends. Everyday she has a new "best" friend. The gossip (very funny coming from a 5 year old) and the boy chasing at recess offer me an endless longing for her to just be home with me again. As soon as she walks in the door it's not about having missed me. It's all about the snack and what friend is available to play with.

All that is left that they both still enjoy and that both Josh and I can give them is story time. I guess I will hang on to that as long as I can. I shouldn't have wished for all the growing up. Can you take it all back?

Off to School

Last week was big. Really big. I had been waiting for this day for almost 6 years.
Hunter was beginning middle school and Lauren would start kindergarten. Such a big moment for all of us.
I spent the summer worrying about middle school and how Hunter would handle it. We all remember what it was like. I can't protect him from it or stop life from happening to him and it was killing me. What would I do the first time someone made fun of him or the first time he encounters a bully!? What about girls and puberty!? ....and the lockers! What would happen if he couldn't get it open and I wasn't there to save him!? During all of this stress that I was creating for myself I kept asking him how he felt about going off to sixth grade. He was very indifferent about the whole thing.....he is Hunter after all. So.... the first day of school arrives. He is set. He wakes up and gets dressed....heads down stairs and throws up in the kitchen sink. Not a good sign I think to myself.... but he cleans himself up and tells me he can't wait to go. School supplies are packed neatly into his backpack, lunch in the other hand. We make the 1 1/2 mile drive. As we pull into the parking lot he suddenly panics. He can't remember his locker combination or where to go. I am ready to cry at this point. I muster all the mom strength that I can find. I tell him his schedule is in his backpack with his locker number and combination and that no one else know where to go either. Just follow them! Out he goes. There isn't a teacher to help get them out of the car anymore. He is on his own. It was my turn to puke.

While all of this is going on we are also preparing Lauren to head out for her first day. Every mom knows how great the first day of Kindergarten is. It's a moment that only happens once. We got her up and dressed in her new clothes. She is so excited! Back pack is ready, lunch is packed. Camera set. The door bell rings. She said she would rather go to school with her friend. She told me I would be okay. I was crushed. I didn't get to take her to school on her very first day.

It's now the start of the second week of school. Although I will probably never recover they couldn't be happier. Both of them are in love with school and can't stop talking when they walk in the door. I am so proud of them. I think we must be doing a pretty good job so far.